"When I step into the light."

Don't put me in the same room with her,
I'll just take the failure,
Don't hold me in the same arms as hers,
I can hear the laughter,
Of bitterness and broken days,
I took a few of your dreams away,
But you gave them up just to sleep again,
Don't taste my lips, it's turning into work,
My tongue is not a time card,
Don't take my hand, just shut your mouth,
There's nothing to talk about.

You haven't got a right to say it now.

I didn't want you.
I didn't want you.
I didn't have you.
I didn't have you.

Just put me in the same room as her,
I can face the failure,
But don't wake me in the morning with her,
Her sleep is like a laughter,
It comes and lifts my smile high,
But when it's over my teeth are white stars in the night that can't be seen through my lips,
Lips, and hips, and fingertips touching me,
Silver dollars in your eyes; oh, the love you want isn't free.
Don't say a word, don't touch me now,
Your hands can't lead you out.
Not through me.

I think I want you.
I think I want you.
I think I have you.
I think I have you.

Your eyes, across the table,
I want to lean right over and kiss them ‘til they cry,
Your words, eerie and unstable,
I want to hear them ‘til you’ve got no more to say,
I left you, you walked home,
Is your coat still cold? Do you need my hand, I hope I don’t need yours,
But I do. Oh, I do.

Your lips are living water and I need to have a taste.
Just one taste?

And I’ll do what you want,
Whatever it takes to get your love,
I want you, can’t take you,
But maybe you’ll give it up,
Give it up.

It’s your skirt, on your thighs,
A velvet cake I want to taste again and again and again and again,
But I can’t, and you won’t,
It’s too late now, I made my choice and I have to let you go,
But I can’t, and you won’t,
Make it any easier with the way you smile and the way you hug me when I go!

Your arms are a quiet church and I just want to lay down.
Just one taste?

And I’ll do what you want,
Whatever it takes to get your love,
I want you, can’t take you,
But maybe you’ll give it up.

Oh I’ll do, what you want,
I’m pitiful now but not pitiful enough,
I hope you just say no,
What would I do if you gave it up?

What would I do if you gave it up?

What would I do if you gave your love?

The sight of your face makes me mad,
Or maybe I just wanna kiss you again.
No! That’s not it.
It’s just that loneliness hasn’t been to good of a friend.

The sound of your voice is a tear,
Shed over the cheeks of pain and fear,
Oh, that’s just the thing;
I tell you hello and my eyes start to sting.

And I’m not gonna be this way!
Not now, not here, well…not forever anyway,
God, this is hell!
Your smile is a staircase where my heart tripped and fell.

And your tongue is covered in poison,
It seeps through the small talk and makes deadly conversations
Where my words are trapped in a cage match,
You’re winning, you’ve won, you can have it if you want.

But what did you say?
What did you say!
What did you say?
I wasn’t listening.

What is the truth?
When I say I love you, you’re never gonna believe me.
How can you tell?
When you’re off with someone else, I dare you to believe me.
Fuck you as well!
And whatever you felt, tomorrow you’re not gonna need me.
But today, today, today, today,
I’ve gotta love you.

The sun on your hair makes me collapse,
Or maybe it’s just the bones in my back
Retreating from being alone,
Leaving me here to face it on my own,

And the smell of your body in my bed,
I would wash it out but love goes to my head,
And I keep you around like a lie,
But I haven’t told myself and I don’t know why,

And you’re gonna be that way!
How dare you, how dare you…never mind, I’m afraid,
All of the things I could say,
My wit withers dry, my cynicism decays,

And all that is left is the love,
That can’t hold you, can’t even touch you
Without tears drying up,

And that’s not the way it should be,
Yes it is, no it’s not,
Why can’t we set eachother free?

What did you say?
What did you say!
What did you say?
I can’t be listening!

What is the truth?
When I say I love you, you’re never gonna believe me.
How can you tell?
When you’re off with someone else, I dare you to believe me.
Fuck you as well!
And whatever you felt, tomorrow you’re not gonna need me.
But today, today, today, today,
I’m gonna love you.

Seeing you turns me into a folding table,
My shoulders try to connect even though they’re not able,
And my veins are freight trains, my thoughts one-way tickets to the other side of the world.
Where sunlight is summer time, blue sky is playing live,
Songs for the happy, the normal, the sound,
But I got left behind, wrapping up for the winter nights,
The pain above me is still here.
The words that you gave me are here.
My heart and my soul are still here.

I’m still here!

What is the truth?
When I say I love you, you’re never gonna believe me.
How can you tell?
When you’re off with someone else, I dare you to believe me.
Fuck you as well!
And whatever you felt, tomorrow you’re not gonna need me.
What is the truth?
I can’t stop loving you, and you’re never gonna believe me.
You’re never gonna believe me.
You’re never gonna believe me.

This is the only place I suppose I could really post this right now. I don't know why. But most likely it's because I am a bit scared, if not much more than a bit scared, and I want to say something, but not anywhere that people will see it. Well, certain people I guess. Who knows?

-

I haven't cried in years, and I'm waiting for it to hit me. I know when it does, it will either be like opening a floodgate for every moment where I should've cried, or it will be like it's not even happening.

And maybe it never will.

God, I hope not. I am so fucking sick of priding myself on being some happy-go-lucky person. I am not strong. I am not above the pain that invades the lives of everyone I know. I'm just another dude, who's naked underneath his clothes like everybody else.

And there is a beauty in that, but lately I don't really seem to understand it.

I spend more time being quiet these days.

Which only means I spend less time looking people in the eye and loving them or being loved by them, and more time with my eyes averted, lonely thoughts charging full throttle into my optimism, making me long to be alone, to be away, to be soaked in a cold and sobering sense of hopeless reality.

What happened to me in the course of three and a half weeks? Why are change and love so hard?

Loneliness is such a mystery to me. I am surrounded by people and the love that they give to me, but I think at the end of the day, when I go to sleep by myself in bed, I know - whether I want to or not - that there will be days when I don't wake up. Days that I never even see. And the fact of the matter is that I will have to face those days on my own, no matter how many people are with me when they arrive.

I just hope that before they get here, I will be able to say that I cried again.

I hope that I will be able to feel what is happening to me, and just submit to the pain or the joy as I am meant to.

I'm waiting for it to hit me.